The Goldfish, Dr Lecter and Clarice
by Fish-Inton
Summary: Nooooooooooooooooo! I hate GOLDFISH! the GD seems to agree...


DISCLAIMER: The usual, I don't own any one except the little kitten- Clarice. SHE'S MINE! And I mad up Mr Fish too! Otherwise it's not mine (starts to cry) just give me a few more years and I'll write something slightly better!  
  
A/N: bored again, nothing to do thinking of the boringly addictive subject of GOLDFISH!  
  
Goldfish, thought Dr Lecter, are quite possibly THE most boring things on the planet. Goldfish, thought Dr Lecter, may very well be the end of me. I dislike them greatly.  
  
All goldfish do is swim, make bubbles, swim eat, swim and then swim some more, and in their spare time (you guessed it) they play hockey!  
  
Over and over and over and over and over again and again! .  
  
Walking along the beach, Dr Lecter was thinking about nothing in particular, but GOLDFISH? Gimme a break! The recurring topic of GOLDFISH was frustrating him. A lot, in fact it made him mad!  
  
GOLDFISH this, GOLDFISH that! Grr! Anger! What is it with the God Damned GOLDFISH?  
  
"I HATE GOLDFISH!" Lecter yelled at the top of his lungs.  
  
Suddenly, a walking, talking GOLDFISH walked up to him.  
  
(Eh?)  
  
"How can you hate goldfish? We hate you!" the ranting fish said. "What?" the Doctor was baffled by the odd fish-thingy talking to him. "I'm saying: hate my type and I'll knock your bloody biped lights out!" "I doubt that." Said the doctor, who was forming a devious plot in his head. "How can you doubt goldfish? Do you know one personally?" the fish was definitely being rude now. "No, I don't know a goldfish personally, but I'm sure it's interesting. Tell me, do you like TV?" "Yeah, maybe, why?" the fish may be a little suspicious, thought the Doctor. "Well, I'm going to be doing nothing all evening, so would you like to come over for dinner and maybe we can watch the game on the old box. I shouldn't say old," the Doctor went on, "It's the new widescreen, flatscreen TV, from the adverts." He grimaced at however many colloquial terms he used, but still he walked up to his beach house at a leisurely pace. "Okay, fine, I'll come." The fish hurried to catch up with the Doctor.  
  
When they got to the beach house, the Good Doctor opened the door and let them both in. Lecter took off his expensive-looking shoes. "Make yourself at home." The metallic voice from in the closet called to Mr Fish. "The TV's in the lounge, remote's on the coffee table." "Okay, if you're sure." The fish replied. "I insist!" Lecter went to see the fish. "I'll be back in a moment." The Good Doctor went upstairs while the fish flicked through the many channels on the TV.  
  
"Clarice!" Lecter called, he was in the spare room his Clarice occupied. She leapt from behind the bookcase and surprised him. "There you are!" He said as he affectionately picked her up with both hands and kissed her tiny nose. "Come, I have a little surprise for you!"  
  
Doctor Lecter walked soundlessly back down the stairs with Clarice in his arms, snuggling against his warm chest, listening to his heart beating steadily. The fish didn't notice anyway, he'd found the discovery channel and lots of fish were on the screen. Suddenly, a big shark came along and the fish screamed a loud squeal! He made it sound like a horror movie- don't go over there little fish, he's gonna get you! Aaaargh! Clarice however looking at the fish in a completely different manner, she enjoyed petrifying company.  
  
"Did I mention to you my little kitten, Clarice?" asked Dr Lecter, holding Clarice in his arms, she looked like she was going to drool everywhere at the sight of the goldfish on the sofa.  
  
Doctor Lecter had bought Clarice from a kid about 3 weeks ago, she was the last one sold. She was grey and black and had blue-grey eyes. He soon found that she was a worthy opponent when it came to hide and seek. He also found she was extremely stubborn, this is why he called her Clarice.  
  
He sat Clarice next to the fish. The fish went green and fell off the sofa with a loud 'thud'.  
  
The GD went into the kitchen to microwave some liver and get some Chianti from the cellar. "Mr Fish, would you please assist me in the kitchen?" Lecter called to Mr Fish. "Sure!" said the fish, who was now clinging to the ceiling lampshade for dear life. As soon as he left the room, the 'Killer Kitty' curled up on the sofa and snoozed. When he entered the kitchen, the Doctor flipped the fish on to a large chopping board and his liver was removed. "Express cat-nip!" the Doctor announced as he closed the cut in the fish's side. "Now, I don't think you'll be threatening to 'knock my lights out' again because I have a threat of my own. Threaten me, I'll hunt you down and gut you like the GOLDFISH you are! Now, I suggest you leave before I reconsider and feed your heart to my little Clarice." The doctor locked eyes with the weird walking-talking-fish-thingy. "Go, NOW!" The fish ran, really fast for a fish!  
  
The fish ran to tell his friend how the Doctor stopped his liver trouble, his friend told his friends and they told their friends, but their friends couldn't be bothered to tell anyone else so about 30 ish knew of the 'Miracle Doctor'.  
  
Clarice was enjoying her water and fresh fish liver while the Doctor was enjoying his human liver and Chianti. "Well, that was good liver!" he said to his pet as he stretched in his chair. "How was yours, my dear?" he looked at Clarice, the sweet little ball of fluff. "Meow." She replied, licking her paws.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Two days later, Dr Lecters' evening was interrupted by a loud knock at his front door. He looked through the spy-hole in the door and was surprised to see about 30 fish outside his house.  
  
"I have the feeling that our friend Mr Fish got the wrong idea. This is a sticky situation." He told Clarice, who was rubbing herself against his legs and purring contentedly.  
  
Lecter opened the front door and asked the nearest fish what all the commotion was about.  
  
"Well," said the fish, "Our friends friend, Fishy Fish, told us that you work miracles. You got rid of his liver problem, so. er. we were sort of wondering if you could help us out." The fish finished.  
  
"Wait a second, I have to check with my assistant." He shut the door, sat on the floor and hugged Clarice. "Well, I think we can do with some more liver, it's good for the bones." He told them he could help out and that he'd get back to them.  
  
"Come, Clarice! We need a lot of sleep."  
  
Dr Lecter took the tiny, little kitten and gave her a bath in the sink. Clarice got soap up her nose, sneezed and sat looking very dazed in the sink which had about half as much water left. Lecter was absolutely soaked; he peeled off his tee shirt and threw it aside before towel drying Clarice. She seemed to be convinced that his face needed a wash and licked his face all over until she was certain he looked better, nevertheless, he had a shower and was then faced with a kitten who refused to leave his bedroom.  
  
"Okay, okay! Fine, you win! I'll just go get your stuff." The GD gave a sarcastic bow and went to get her stuff. He put everything beside his own bed and left the lamp on as he watched his little companion fall asleep, she gave tiny little snores every so often. SWEET!  
  
In the middle of the night, Hannibal heard a small sound and then he felt the duvet move, a small, sleepy ball of fluff with a nose had found its' way somewhere warmer and decider to snuggle up to him. He put his arm around her and fell asleep again. He still had to put up with a whole lot of GOLDFISH tomorrow and nightmares about fish were really not wanted. So, he still dislikes GOLDFISH, but he'll always have a soft spot for Clarice and Clarice, one a ball of fluff with a nose, the other made her point and he took the hint dangling above his nose waving a red flag. 


End file.
